One year ago today...

One year ago today our lives changed forever.  Cody and I met our baby boy for the first and last time here on earth, and Rayley and Karley lost a baby brother that they never got to meet.  This past year has had its ups and downs, but not an hour has gone by that I haven't thought of Brady and what it would be like if he were here watching Rayley's tee ball games with us or snuggled up with us on the couch watching the corny America's Funniest Home videos that we like so much.

Rayley thinks and speaks of him often, the embodiment of that "childlike faith"... thinking Heaven is a place like California and not understanding why we haven't been there to visit him yet, or why God wouldn't let him come down for Karley's birthday party a few months ago.  I hope my smiles and nods are assuring enough for her because they are not for me.

I can't believe it has already been a year.  If I have learned anything it is how to have a closer walk with the Lord, even when your most pressing questions cannot be answered.  Pray anyway.

When we held him in the hospital my mom wanted to take a picture of his hands in mine.  I wouldn't let her.  Why in the world they allow a woman in that time of the most extraordinary physical and emotional pain to make ANY kind of decision I still do not understand.  I wish I had let her do it.  I am sorry for that.

On this day, his first birthday, we will write messages on our white balloons and tell Rayley we are sending them up to Heaven for him.  We will remember him, just like we do every other day, and hope the coming year brings just a little more comfort than the one before.  We will appreciate the precious time we have together and the wonderful family that joins us in our love for our children... all three of them.  We love you Brady Benjamin.  Happy Birthday <3